I knew that by getting "in the family way," I was opening myself up to a mind, body and life-altering experience, but that doesn't change the fact that I've been encountering stuff in my pregnancy thus far that I never expected. There aren't enough websites or cute movies out there to have prepared me for some of this.
Sure, there's the stereotypical but true things you hear about being
pregnant, like having morning sickness and certain food cravings. Like
many pregnant women, I came to find out that morning sickness does not
just occur in the morning -- it can be an afternoon, evening or an
all-day adventure. (A special shout out to the rocket scientist who gave
it that misleading moniker.) There's also the intense craving
of all things pickled and pickle flavored. I have no words for how
embarrassing it is to fall under that cliché. However, there are a slew
of other fun things that come with the pregnancy package that don't get
covered, well at least not as well as they should be.
By the way did y'all know that May is National Pregnancy Awareness Month?
I just found out myself, so do not feel bad if you were in the dark.
The irony is that since becoming pregnant, the main thing I have become
aware of is how much disdain I have for women who, like my mother, wax
poetic about how awesome being pregnant is/was for them. We all know who
I'm talking about -- the ladies who go on and on about how it's the
most incredible magical beautiful experience they've ever had. How if it
wasn't so expensive to raise kids they could have gotten pregnant and
had a new baby every year, Duggar-style. I am not ragging on these women
(well, okay, maybe a little), but I think that they are the exception
rather than the rule. I also think that it is seen as taboo for women
(like me) to talk about how much being prego can suck,
especially with all the women out there who want to be pregnant but for
some reason or other find it's not in the cards for them. Most of us
who are fortunate enough to become pregnant do not want to a) come off
as ungrateful or b) like we're taking our "blessing" for granted. But as
comedian it is my job and duty to go there -- to be honest, candid, and of course funny. So I will risk admonishment when I say yes, being pregnant is a miracle, it is a blessing and it is
a gift, but it also blows a good portion of the time, and not just
because you have to give up your regular glass of wine with dinner.
Don't get me wrong, I don't spend all day moping around the house. I
go about my daily business making calls, booking gigs, writing, going on
auditions and performing for crowds at night. I rarely complain to my
husband or anyone else about anything connected to this pregnancy --
unless I do it in a humorous way (see my blog, www.diaryofapregnantcomedian.com).
I should also point out that despite my misleading diva-like exterior,
I'm really quite a simple girl. So much so that a good day for me used
to consist of my bra and panties matching. Now a good day is when I
sneeze and I don't pee myself a little. Not one single friend, book or
website proficiently warned me that this was part of the package of
being pregnant -- and believe you me, I've been doing my research.
I am from Plano, Texas, which means by nature and nurture I am the consummate Southern lady. I say please, thank you and "Bless your heart!"
I'll even send a thank you note in response to someone else's thank you
note. So the fact that, in what seems like an overnight transition, I
have gone from Whitley from A Different World to a combo of Booger and Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds
is enough to make me want to hang my head in shame. I realize having
gas is a natural part of being a human being, but going from "having the
vapors" to being able to belch the alphabet was never something I
aspired to. I have turned into a burping, farting machine, so much so
that my husband's new nickname for me is "Gaseous Clay".
I can't even be offended, because it's true. As sorry as I am for him, I
feel worse for our dog, who likes to burrow under the covers at night. I
don't know for certain, but I'm pretty sure dutch-ovening a 7 lb.
chihuahua to death is cause for the ASPCA to investigate you.
Another thing no one told me was that I'd have this crazy metal taste
in my mouth for the first few months. For those who have no clue what
I'm talking about, make friends with a janitor and suck on her key chain
for a good 20 minutes a day -- that should replicate properly what I
went through, except it was on a 24-hour basis the first few months.
Fortunately, I no longer have the freaky taste in my mouth. It's since
been replaced by heartburn like I've never felt before. I'm trying to
quell it via all-natural ways, so no meds for me, but I still don't
think there would be enough Tums, Rolaids or Prilosec in the world to
put out the fire that's in my chest at night. If that old wives tale is
true, the one that says when you experience heartburn it means the
baby's growing hair, all I can say is, come fall, I may be in the
Huffington Post a for another reason under the headline, "Woman Gives
Birth to Real Life Ewok".
Venting aside, I do find great comfort and camaraderie in the
mommy-to-be sites I'm on and I do appreciate the advice and empathy from
my friends who've traveled this path before I just wish they wouldn't
candy-coat this stuff. 'Course maybe if they didn't, the world would
have a population deficiency on our hands. Hmm, I never thought about it
that way. I now may have to reconsider my position.
Karith Foster is not just a comedian, but humorous speaker who
performs at colleges, clubs, and corporations across America. Visit her
website www.karith.com for more funny and to find out how to bring her
to your event.
Source : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/